kayip | (no subject)

When he came back from death the first time, he was quiet, obedient, but above all, indifferent. That's how you look at your mother's corpse with a stony face, walk away from every bit of life, become a permanent stranger. Get through life – which is what it always is. Something to get through.

Kim said a life of fear wasn't much of one, but it was all Behrooz really knew, what he was used to. He wasn't asked to change, just to remain who he'd always been.

And maybe that was worse, because there could be no redemption. He'd just still be a liar. Forever.

When he came back the second time, he was alone. He gasped, shaking hands on his unbroken throat, and still everything was wrong - he can't feel, can't know this –

you were hurt, and -

This time, Behrooz screams. He throws the chair against the wall, kicks the bathroom door, and after a while, rests on the floor, breathing heavily, watching the way the floorboards creased the floor.

He doesn't cry – he's too tired, now. But he can still breathe-

we're all dead here

- and maybe that always meant something.

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"Maybe," he agrees quietly. Uncertainly.

"I should tell her about...what happened anyway..."

She wonders how much he knows.

He nods. He didn't exactly plan on telling a lot of people at the moment, but in this case, it doesn't sound like he has much of a choice.

"I haven't told anyone - but we'll...I'll fix this..."

Behrooz knows too well that it's a hollow promise.

He mumbles, "Right."

"I didn't mean for this to happen," she half-apologizes.

Just in case, until she talks to Moiraine, she's going to avoid certain situations.

"I didn't, either."

It's a dull tone, doesn't sound lie much of anything.

She's silent for a few moments, trying to stop herself from apologizing again.

"Chase will be happy to hear that you're awake."

He nods again, not really sure at all what to say to that.

Finally, he murmurs, "Yeah. ...Thanks."

Saying you're welcome somehow feels wrong.

Instead she nods and walks to the door, forcing down her awkward feelings. Moiraine wouldn't feel awkward, no matter the situation.

"The minute I find out anything, I'll let you know."

"Ok," he mumbles.

After a short pause, he adds, "I'll - come down later."

"We'll see you then,"

She'll somehow know when he finally does leave his room.

Before she leaves, she looks at him, not having to put into words her mixed emotions.

Behrooz doesn't look back after she's spoken. It doesn't really feel necessary, and he doesn't know she's really gone for sure until the door closes, and he knows she's walking down the hall outside.

(I don't want it anymore.)

Before he heads out again, he'll put the knife in his pocket.