kayip | (no subject)

(no subject)

When he came back from death the first time, he was quiet, obedient, but above all, indifferent. That's how you look at your mother's corpse with a stony face, walk away from every bit of life, become a permanent stranger. Get through life – which is what it always is. Something to get through.

Kim said a life of fear wasn't much of one, but it was all Behrooz really knew, what he was used to. He wasn't asked to change, just to remain who he'd always been.

And maybe that was worse, because there could be no redemption. He'd just still be a liar. Forever.

When he came back the second time, he was alone. He gasped, shaking hands on his unbroken throat, and still everything was wrong - he can't feel, can't know this –

you were hurt, and -

This time, Behrooz screams. He throws the chair against the wall, kicks the bathroom door, and after a while, rests on the floor, breathing heavily, watching the way the floorboards creased the floor.

He doesn't cry – he's too tired, now. But he can still breathe-

we're all dead here

- and maybe that always meant something.

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Kim's in the bar when something shifts in her mind.

'This is impossible. I can't feel - '

Behrooz is awake and screaming in her head. She looks down to find her hands are fisted and she feels his rage and sorrow and without thinking she's running upstairs, coming to a stop at his door.

Forcing herself to appear calmer than she feels, she knocks on the door.

Behrooz doesn't move.

He knows who it is. Maybe he'd like to believe he doesn't, or that she'll just think he's not there. Even if he somehow knows it won't matter. Still, he's silent.

There's no noise from behind the door. No reason for her to think that he's even still in the bar.

And yet, she knows he's there.

Calling his name seems redundant.

She knocks again.

There's another long moment.

Then, finally, he pulls himself up of the floor, walks across the floor with flat footsteps, and opens the door.

He still doesn't say anything. He just stares at her.

Kim's grateful he's alive.

She glances up at his clear eyes, somehow knowing what he's not saying.

"I stopped by before, but you were still asleep."

His look doesn't change. It's almost like he doesnt hear her - or doesn't need to.

Finally,

She'd hoped it was only her.

"What do you mean?" She's careful in case he's referring to something else, but she can sense his annoyance at her answer.

Less patiently, more loudly, "What happened? You -"

Beat.

"You know what I mean."

Denying it would be pointless and only make them both frustrated.

"I know you're upset and I know what you mean but I don't know...how it happened." She finishes softly, trying not to look away, but she has no answers.

After a moment, Behrooz is the one who looks down, then turns, and walks back into the room, leaving the door open.

There's still a few spots of blood on the floor, not really noticeable until the light is on. He doesn't say anything, but moves to pick up the chair that's resting against the wall.

She hesitates only a moment before following him.

The blood on the floor isn't surprising, her own room looked like the aftermath of a slasher film. They were both covered in blood. Lyrae must have taken care of his clothing.

"I'm not going to apologize for saving your life."

"I didn't-"

But he stops. It seems like he should thank her, or something, but he straightens the chair a little. Nothing in his mind seems to work much beyond that.

But she wants to apologize even if she finds it hard to regret her actions.

"I don't think it's...dangerous," she walks a few steps forward, turns, and looks at him.

"It might just go away."

"You don't know..."

But neither of them really do. He moves to the beside table, where the knife is laying, completely clean.

"I'm sorry, I just..." But his voice trails off, not sure he really wants to continue it.

In her mind she sees a little boy hiding in his room, jolted by every sound.

Her attention's drawn to the knife and she feels chilled at the thought of what almost happened.

"I know...I - didn't mean to..."

He's quiet for another moment, staring at the knife, closing and opening his eyes briefly.

Then, very quietly, "He was here, Kim."

"Who was?"

She looks back at the blade and hears that awful laughter in her head. Out of self preservation, she's unable to make the connection.

The little boy clutches his pillow.

He doesn't really want to say it. His eyes go to the ceiling instead.

And he can make out every bump and crease in the ceiling, focuses on them when he says it, on anything but what he's saying.

She's near the bed and lowers herself to the mattress in a way that she hopes doesn't look like collapsing.

"Oh God."

Her eyes open wide and she looks up at him, struggling for words. "Is he still here?" It might not be the first question in her mind but she feels like she has to warn people and she has to hope he didn't see her, because he probably hadn't forgotten how she --

"I don't - if he was gone when you -"

no plastic to collect it up -

The words tangle in his mind, and his eyes go to the ceiling again.

"He was - " she swallows, trying to clear her mind enough to think. "I need to tell Moiraine that he's back, have to warn Shelley -- " Her voice trembles despite her effort to stay calm.

"Wasn't your decision, I knew that you wouldn't...."

And it wasn't fair. He didn't have a choice. He didn't. But it - he still remembers doing it. And he can't stop that.

"I- I'd know if he was ... near. That's why."

She closes her eyes at the onslaught of images and feelings.

"He used complusion, you couldn't fight him," she points out gently, but is sure it won't help. Knowing she was powerless never made her feel much better.

"You can...find channelers?"

He hesitates, but shakes his head, eyes finally coming down.

"It's - different about him. It just he smells -"

And there's a very long moment. "It was - like that woman you - in the dream -"

She's waiting for the explanation but not expecting the sucker punch.

Now it's her turn to look away, remembering waking up drenched in blood and hearing her dad's voice.

"I wondered how...you could sense her even...in the world of dreams?"

"They just - they smell different -"

- after all, you are a wolf wearing the form of a man -

No. That wasn't what he was, what he'd become, but there's abruptly a cold shudder inside that he's pretty sure isn't even his.

"We were - both there. It's not that different except I - just, I just walked in and he -"

And his voice just stops again.

Listening to the emotion in his voice, her own fear shifts into something else.

Elan liked hurting people. He liked making them do things like cut their own throats - and he laughed

She'd forgotten the anger, the need to destroy that she'd felt when she thought he'd - but now to hear that he was back and that he'd tried to kill her friend -- only a small voice in her head saying that revenge isn't the answer keeps her from setting out to find him.

"If he comes back -- "

Behrooz's eyes go to the knife.

But he murmurs, "Hope he doesn't."

"Yeah," she says softly.

And looks up at him again, "Have you had thoughts today that aren't...yours?"

Behrooz doesn't return the look.

His only answer is, "I've mostly been asleep."

"And...now?"

Impatiently, "What do you think?"

"Is it just feelings or is it...more than that?" She's so suddenly grateful that she and Chase did little more than cuddle after she woke up.

"I haven't exactly tried to think about it that much, Kim."

"I think we might have to...if it doesn't...go away." She pauses before speaking again.

"Maybe Moiraine can figure out what I did..."

"Maybe," he agrees quietly. Uncertainly.

"I should tell her about...what happened anyway..."

She wonders how much he knows.

He nods. He didn't exactly plan on telling a lot of people at the moment, but in this case, it doesn't sound like he has much of a choice.

"I haven't told anyone - but we'll...I'll fix this..."

Behrooz knows too well that it's a hollow promise.

He mumbles, "Right."

"I didn't mean for this to happen," she half-apologizes.

Just in case, until she talks to Moiraine, she's going to avoid certain situations.

"I didn't, either."

It's a dull tone, doesn't sound lie much of anything.

She's silent for a few moments, trying to stop herself from apologizing again.

"Chase will be happy to hear that you're awake."

He nods again, not really sure at all what to say to that.

Finally, he murmurs, "Yeah. ...Thanks."

Saying you're welcome somehow feels wrong.

Instead she nods and walks to the door, forcing down her awkward feelings. Moiraine wouldn't feel awkward, no matter the situation.

"The minute I find out anything, I'll let you know."

"Ok," he mumbles.

After a short pause, he adds, "I'll - come down later."

"We'll see you then,"

She'll somehow know when he finally does leave his room.

Before she leaves, she looks at him, not having to put into words her mixed emotions.

Behrooz doesn't look back after she's spoken. It doesn't really feel necessary, and he doesn't know she's really gone for sure until the door closes, and he knows she's walking down the hall outside.

(I don't want it anymore.)

Before he heads out again, he'll put the knife in his pocket.

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