kayip | (no subject)

When he came back from death the first time, he was quiet, obedient, but above all, indifferent. That's how you look at your mother's corpse with a stony face, walk away from every bit of life, become a permanent stranger. Get through life – which is what it always is. Something to get through.

Kim said a life of fear wasn't much of one, but it was all Behrooz really knew, what he was used to. He wasn't asked to change, just to remain who he'd always been.

And maybe that was worse, because there could be no redemption. He'd just still be a liar. Forever.

When he came back the second time, he was alone. He gasped, shaking hands on his unbroken throat, and still everything was wrong - he can't feel, can't know this –

you were hurt, and -

This time, Behrooz screams. He throws the chair against the wall, kicks the bathroom door, and after a while, rests on the floor, breathing heavily, watching the way the floorboards creased the floor.

He doesn't cry – he's too tired, now. But he can still breathe-

we're all dead here

- and maybe that always meant something.

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"I don't - if he was gone when you -"

no plastic to collect it up -

The words tangle in his mind, and his eyes go to the ceiling again.

"He was - " she swallows, trying to clear her mind enough to think. "I need to tell Moiraine that he's back, have to warn Shelley -- " Her voice trembles despite her effort to stay calm.

"Wasn't your decision, I knew that you wouldn't...."

And it wasn't fair. He didn't have a choice. He didn't. But it - he still remembers doing it. And he can't stop that.

"I- I'd know if he was ... near. That's why."

She closes her eyes at the onslaught of images and feelings.

"He used complusion, you couldn't fight him," she points out gently, but is sure it won't help. Knowing she was powerless never made her feel much better.

"You can...find channelers?"

He hesitates, but shakes his head, eyes finally coming down.

"It's - different about him. It just he smells -"

And there's a very long moment. "It was - like that woman you - in the dream -"

She's waiting for the explanation but not expecting the sucker punch.

Now it's her turn to look away, remembering waking up drenched in blood and hearing her dad's voice.

"I wondered how...you could sense her even...in the world of dreams?"

"They just - they smell different -"

- after all, you are a wolf wearing the form of a man -

No. That wasn't what he was, what he'd become, but there's abruptly a cold shudder inside that he's pretty sure isn't even his.

"We were - both there. It's not that different except I - just, I just walked in and he -"

And his voice just stops again.

Listening to the emotion in his voice, her own fear shifts into something else.

Elan liked hurting people. He liked making them do things like cut their own throats - and he laughed

She'd forgotten the anger, the need to destroy that she'd felt when she thought he'd - but now to hear that he was back and that he'd tried to kill her friend -- only a small voice in her head saying that revenge isn't the answer keeps her from setting out to find him.

"If he comes back -- "

Behrooz's eyes go to the knife.

But he murmurs, "Hope he doesn't."

"Yeah," she says softly.

And looks up at him again, "Have you had thoughts today that aren't...yours?"

Behrooz doesn't return the look.

His only answer is, "I've mostly been asleep."

"And...now?"

Impatiently, "What do you think?"

"Is it just feelings or is it...more than that?" She's so suddenly grateful that she and Chase did little more than cuddle after she woke up.

"I haven't exactly tried to think about it that much, Kim."

"I think we might have to...if it doesn't...go away." She pauses before speaking again.

"Maybe Moiraine can figure out what I did..."

"Maybe," he agrees quietly. Uncertainly.

"I should tell her about...what happened anyway..."

She wonders how much he knows.

He nods. He didn't exactly plan on telling a lot of people at the moment, but in this case, it doesn't sound like he has much of a choice.

"I haven't told anyone - but we'll...I'll fix this..."

Behrooz knows too well that it's a hollow promise.

He mumbles, "Right."

"I didn't mean for this to happen," she half-apologizes.

Just in case, until she talks to Moiraine, she's going to avoid certain situations.

"I didn't, either."

It's a dull tone, doesn't sound lie much of anything.

She's silent for a few moments, trying to stop herself from apologizing again.

"Chase will be happy to hear that you're awake."

He nods again, not really sure at all what to say to that.

Finally, he murmurs, "Yeah. ...Thanks."

Saying you're welcome somehow feels wrong.

Instead she nods and walks to the door, forcing down her awkward feelings. Moiraine wouldn't feel awkward, no matter the situation.

"The minute I find out anything, I'll let you know."

"Ok," he mumbles.

After a short pause, he adds, "I'll - come down later."

"We'll see you then,"

She'll somehow know when he finally does leave his room.

Before she leaves, she looks at him, not having to put into words her mixed emotions.

Behrooz doesn't look back after she's spoken. It doesn't really feel necessary, and he doesn't know she's really gone for sure until the door closes, and he knows she's walking down the hall outside.

(I don't want it anymore.)

Before he heads out again, he'll put the knife in his pocket.